Silent Night (hopefully)

So here we are on Christmas Eve. All is calm and all is indeed bright. We are officially four days away from our lives being turned completely upside down and yet we appear to be remarkably relaxed about the whole thing. Albert keeps reminding us that he's trapped in this twilight world with only a few layers of skin between him and the outside world. The kicks, punches and hiccups are getting stronger and I reckon that all things considered he'd like to be out now. I feel in some ways completely ready for the birth and yet I know that when the time comes I will suddenly remember all the jobs I was supposed to have done and start to panic again. Will I remember all the things I did with child number one to keep her alive or will I have to re-learn everything again? I want to be really relaxed and calm and then I remember the sheer weight of responsibility and wonder if I can do it all over again. Here's hoping!!

As Albert grows and the igloo gets larger, the blessed vessel is becoming more uncomfortable and struggles to find the right position to sleep in. As one side becomes numb her ladyship is forced to turn over in bed and inevitably comes face to face with her arch-nemesis The Sleep Thief. I reckon the creators of Doctor Who have missed a trick here because this creature is more fearsome than the Daleks or the Cybermen because The Sleep Thief actually climbs inside your head and will not let you rest UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Mostly it emits this low level rythmical buzzing which starts off quietly and gets gradually louder but occasionally rises in decibels (especially during the Manflu season) and becomes very tiresome for the affected person. Luckily The Sleep Thief can be made to go away and create havoc elsewhere with a couple of magic commands and a strategic nudge so perhaps it is more annoying than evil.

I am on standby with the car primed and pointed in the general direction of the hospital. We have an alternative plan just in case it snows which involves the new sledge we bought a few months ago but we are hoping this will not be necessary. Equally I am hoping that this will not be an entirely dry Christmas for me (selfish bugger that I am). I may nip out of the house occasionally on a flimsy pretext and have a swig or two from the bottle of Jack Daniels that I hastily secreted in the garden shed a while ago. Either that or I shall have a long chat with Albert and plead with him not to make an appearance on Christmas Day. I'll regale him with stories from friends about how their Christmases and New Years have been blighted by being born on either of those days. It should be enough to threaten to call him Noel if he arrives tomorrow. I know, how ridiculous to saddle a child with a stupid name!!

So, our last Christmas as a threesome. The triangle is set to become a square. Will it be three onto one or two against two in important decisions like what programme to watch on TV? Match of the day or Soaps? One things for sure, our lives will never be the same again.

Lest I forget!!

In all the excitement of Albert's imminent arrival I just wanted to spend a bit of time talking about the person who may have become a little bit sidelined in the whole process. For those of you who don't know her, Molly is a force of nature. She is 50% of me and I obviously want to take all the credit for her fantastic, quirky, funny personality but I feel that this would be unfair. All I know is that I wouldn't be half the person I am today without her in my life.

I have made a few mistakes along the way as I'm sure most people have. I was given the opportunity to start again and I have Cath to thank for many things, which I will no doubt discuss in greater length in future episodes (I will, I promise) but the main thing that has kept me going throughout the past 13 years is Molly. I have so many examples of her making me laugh with the weird and wonderful way that she sees the world and all of you who have been lucky enough to meet her will testify to that. She has taken most things I have thrown at her in her stride (with a few notable wobbles) and still she radiates the unconditional love that all parents will recognise from their children that we may or may not deserve but hang onto in times of crisis.

In short I just want to say thanks to Molly for being in my life and I hope that we will be able to write a similar open letter to Albert (if we live long enough). I know enough about love to know that the heart expands to let others in, so Albert need have no fear on that score. He will be welcomed and given preferential status for a bit, given the nature of his introduction into our family but then he will have to earn his keep and entertain us as others have before him. We can't wait to meet you but feel it's important to acknowledge the people who have enabled us to welcome you with open hearts and arms.

Molly, stand up and take a bow!! Love you xx

Let me out!!!

Poor Albert! His home seems to be getting smaller by the day although from the outside it resembles a large igloo (sorry hun but it does). He seems to be spending most of his waking hours practicing the Hokey Cokey and we watch with a mixture of fascination and horror as we see movement. I am fully expecting one day to see the outline of a face emerging from the walls like some demented Korean horror movie.

We managed to get ourselves in a bit of a flap down at Mothercare last sunday. We made the mistake of looking at prams and car seats so we could pretend that we are organised when in fact we are completely clueless. There is a bewildering amount of choice and rational decisions go out of the window when faced with so much variety. Fortunately a lot of our friends have given up on the idea of having any more children so are donating their baby paraphernalia to us. When Albert arrives he will have (at last count) three Moses baskets to choose from. Another four and he can have a different one every night.

The ante natal classes begin and end this weekend. We have opted to get them over with in one fell swoop and just hope that the other one will be listening to everything being said and taking notes just like when we stop and ask for directions on long journeys (and believe me, this HAS been a long journey!!). We will also be casting our eyes around the room looking for PLU's (people like us) who we can make life-long friends with and share perineal massage tips with. We are slightly concerned that we will be the oldest couple in the room and that everyone will be looking to us for guidance and words of wisdom. FAT CHANCE!!

Tiredness seems to be creeping in with only a few weeks to go. It's absolutely exhausting plumping up the cushions for her ladyship as her confinement draws ever-closer. The sofa is getting a bit crowded and Steve the cat is certainly noticing the lack of room. He is used to ruling the roost and may soon find himself spending a lot more time sulking in the kitchen. He reacted badly to the brief introduction of a kitten last year so we are expecting him to be completely bald soon (he's highly strung and grooms himself to excess).

So, please wish us luck as we enter the last phase of waiting for the arrival of Albert. Last minute tips are welcome from all sources. The hot topics are which cigars to purchase and how to clean upholstery should the waters break whilst on a car journey. Finally, we are both dying to know precisely how one can successfully expel the equivalent of a watermelon from one's nether regions. HELP!!!!!!!!

Ten weeks and counting!!!!

So suddenly it's October, all the leaves are falling and the combination of blustery days and conkers are making Autumnal walks a bit tricky to say the least. I'm happy to say that Albert seems to be cooking nicely but appears to be running out of space in which to turn cartwheels and generally frolic in suspended animation. Every time we sit in front of the television my hand is grabbed and placed strategically so that I can feel every bit of bobbing and weaving that his Lordship(or her Ladyship) is performing. Last week's highlight was hiccups as poor Albert choked ever so slightly on his evening meal of amniotic fluid. I bet he can't wait for real food!!

Today's Iphone app updates states "head of lettuce" as Albert gradually grows bigger. The 3D scan has been booked and we are really looking forward to getting a better view. My only concern is that suddenly it will hit us what needs to be done before the due date of December 28th. We are begging, stealing and borrowing everything so far and even if we don't get to use everything we will have a nice lot of stuff to Ebay so all contributions gratefully accepted.

We bought our first pack of nappies at the weekend, little realising the sizing minefield that has to be negotiated. Gone are the days of "one size fits all" nappies. There is now a bewildering choice which left us bemused to say the least. We had to ask in the end for help from a kind lady with a baby in her trolley (plus shopping). We now have to start getting more things over the next few weeks so that we are at least a bit prepared for the birth. I guess we ought to think about clothes soon. Aaaaargh, it's all starting to feel a bit real!!!!

What's in a Name?

Good morning Albert. Another successful night negotiated with only a slight amount of collateral damage. Note to wife, avoid drinking lemonade an hour before bed in future! I thought I would share with you how you came to be called Albert and just hope you can forgive me should you actually turn out to be the female of the species. Well, it worked for Johnny Cash (ask somebody older what that means). Here's the story:

So there we were in the Barcelona clinic waiting for the embryos to be implanted. We had a picture of you and your brother/sister and decided to follow the tradition of giving you a name. As we were in Barcelona and everybody was talking about the football team we decided to name you after two of the players. Messi was obvious because he is currently a god amongst footballers but the second name was a bit more tricky. Mischievoisly I suggested Puyol because it sounds a bit rude to me and the name kind of stuck. Fast forward four weeks and we're having a scan looking at a screen which is showing the baby channel and we're looking at YOU. It's a wonderful feeling but tinged with a bit of sadness because your fellow team member didn't make it so far. We then had to come up with a first name for you because we felt that bump or lump didn't really do you justice. The obvious next step was to choose between the two players' names. Now at this point you should be on your knees thanking me that you are not getting bullied at school as the only Lionel in town. Granted, there are probably not many Alberts either but surely you can see you drew the long straw? And here's where it gets a bit messi (sic) because your dad should have done his homework a bit better and actually checked the first names of the players. I got my Puyols mixed up with my Pujols and you ended up with the first name of a baseball player rather than a footballer. Still, would you have been any happier being called Carles? I think not!!

So that's it in a nutshell. Had Manchester United or Chelsea been more successful this year you might have been called Wayne or even Didier so maybe Albert isn't so bad after all.

Nine Weeks In

This is my first ever attempt at a blog and I hope I quickly get to understand this process. It seems to take forever to actually find the piece that I am working on and I'm so scared I'm going to lose it in the ether but I'm soldiering on.



We are the proud carriers of a nine week old foetus. I say "we" even though my only real contribution to the carriage has been providing sperm and plumping up the occasional cushion. I'm sure I do more but just don't ask me to list it. I still can't get excited about the F word. Having an embryo sounded so much nicer. He's called Albert at the moment and it seems to suit him even though we have no idea what the sex is. He follows in a line of named embryos who were sadly lost along the way and we proudly salute you Patch, Sam, Amanda and the one whose name escapes me. You were all loved and very much wanted , yet fell at the first hurdle. A cruel victim of Anno Domini.



We have long debated the irony of women spending their most fertile years trying desperately hard not to get pregnant then when Mr Right rears his ugly head the gates are firmly locked shut. I guess that we've been lucky to be able to pay for treatment but it has been a struggle ; physically, mentally and financially to keep pursuing our dream to be parents. A four year loan will be a reminder of this struggle but we will hand over every penny with a smile on our faces if we are successful. Incidentally, thanks to the Conservatives who announced the scrapping of the Child Savings scheme this week. That £250 would have been a nice start for Albert. I can't wait for news of child benefit and child tax credit cuts to be announced. Great timing!!



I thought this baby cooking lark was supposed to get easier. Not much evidence so far. Lady W is still feeling rubbish and has added actual puking to her repertoire of nightly coughs and splutters. Going to bed has never been so fraught with danger!! I am sympathetic up to a point but feeling sick is a great indicator that all is well so each moan and groan is greeting with an outward show of concern but a secret inner punching of the air. Things should ease off soon but Albert is certainly making his prescence felt.


I want to try to use this blog as a way of expressing how I'm feeling right now as we limp our way through this baby-making process. Foolishly I think we felt we had got over the highest obstacle in getting pregnant in the first place. However, a couple of scares have put paid to that notion and we take each day as it comes. We recognise how lucky we are to have even got this far but wish Mothercare would sell crystal balls that told you everything would be fine in the end so we could stop fretting.



We have been looking at online pictures of what Albert looks like at nine weeks. This gets a bit confusing because Lady W has seen the same picture used to describe three different stages of pregnancy. The word on the street is that Albert is roughly the size of a prune though minus the wrinkles. He seems to be quite content where he is and shows no inclination to budge which is reassuring.



We debated long and hard about the right time to tell people of our news and have ended up telling people in dribs and drabs. I would have liked to make a big announcement to friends and family in the modern way by posting on Facebook but this seemed a little impersonal. So many people have shared our struggle to have a baby and we have had a lot of love and support that it was inevitable that some people would find out sooner than others. We would have waited until the 12 week scan but that seemed such a long way away when we first got a positive result and each minor scare made us feel very vulnerable. Luckily, wise friends and relatives passed on their experiences and we are learning not to worry as much. I think we may go public soon and tell everyone. Can't wait to see people's faces.